So I am not really sure where to post this, so I am posting it here and if it gets moved, I am okay with it...

I will try to be brief so that it is not a ramble, but a quick background. I have 2 kids, got divorced about 5 years ago, I was an absent mother once my second child was born (I think it had to do with me quitting zoloft cold turkey without a Dr. help) Anyway, I pretty much gave custody to my ex, and didn't see my kids ever (my choice at the time) sad thing is, is that I don't remember those 2 years of my life, all I know is I thought I was "free". Well the effects wore off, I am back to "normal" I guess, and I now have joint custody. I see the kids more, and they love me.

Problem is, is that my son is now acting out, because he misses me and wants to live with me. Their dad is great, no issue there. But I guess my son misses me because I was never around when he was age 6-8. So he bonded with me, and I left him, and now I'm back.

I get so depressed, and worry that I have effed him up and that he will end up with some kind of issue because I abandoned him and his sister (I worry about her too, but she is younger and didn't bond with me the same). I feel really guilty that something I did years ago is hurting him NOW, and when I realize that, I get so depressed. I do love that he loves me, and I know that is a positive, but I can't help but want to make myself hurt like he does. I have been really good at trying not to cope incorrectly, until the last few weeks when this issue has come up.

I hate myself for hurting my kids this way. We are trying to get him in to see a counselor, or someone at school to talk to, but I guess they are in high demand right now. I just feel so horrible, and yet it's not about me, it's about him. I won't do anything final to myself because that would just hurt my kids even more. I know what that does to a family.

Anyway, I should be grateful I even have kids who love me, and want me around. I probably shouldn't have written this, and am being an idiot. Whatever. I'm sorry I bothered anyone by writing this. I am stupid. Forget it. Thanks for reading though.