Quote:
Originally Posted by LydiaB
I just freak out. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anytime somebody is hurting me I just freak out.
Last time my old therapist was yelling at me, because he had a bad day, and was treating me poorly and I took a staple to my arm, but not in front of people and an ambulance was called. This time my team leader was yelling at me, treating me poorly. THE EXACT same circumstance. And in front of three providers I grabbed a paper clip and started stabbing myself. And I am super strong and can't stop.
And it's happened in therapy where I feel threatened and I will grab a pen and just stab myself multiple times in a row. And when my stepfather called me a baby I jammed the tip of a knife into my forearm. And in the hospital when somebody said something rude or inappropriate I would throw myself into walls. And it would take multiple men from other units to restrain me. I am relentless when this happens. I have like this super human power and I am like floating above myself. And the incidents are always spacey.
I seem to not care who sees me, unless the people who see will be harmed by it. Like children or family. But providers I could care less, because I see them as detached and unaffected. And I have no control over it. Not one bit. I wish I did. If it weren't for these incidents it would be years since I self harmed.
This part just freaks out. And I have no idea what's even going through this part's head. I have my suspicions, like maybe at some point he learned to use self abuse to get away from abuse from others. But I don't know that for sure. It could just be an anger response that gets taken out on the body. But it's like I'm coconscious of this part, but not the whole way. I can see what he's doing, but I don't realize how strong he is. Other people have to tell me. I'm coconscious of most of my parts though.
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there is nothing wrong with you or anyone else that reacts to those they feel are harming them, its a completely normal thing to let people know when you feel hurt, we learn to do that from the very first time we have gotten our first "boo boo. most parents see the child is crying, hold them and ask did you get a boo boo? show me where and Ill make it better with a kiss or band aid. it is only after we have been taught not to tell that we learn not to let our feelings show.
which is why when I used to get hurt I wasnt selective on who I showed I was hurt mentally or physically. I learned very well through abuse not to tell or bad, painful things would happen. so I kept my mouth shut. it was only after many yrs of therapy and learned it was ok to tell /talk about and feel emotions and after my abusers were in prison that I was able to tell/talk about and show when I felt hurt, angry... again I wasnt very selective, people regardless of who they are knew /know when I am feeling angry or hurt. I dont hide my feelings from anyone. to me if I did that it would be like believing and saying my abusers were right and Im wrong to tell/show how I feel.
another reason I dont hide how Im feeling is because I work with abused people I would feel like a hypocrit if I told those I help one thing and did other for someone else or myself. In my job those I work with have a sense for when someone is being real and when they arent, just like when I was a child and now adult I can tell when my treatment providers are being real or attempting to hide their feelings. I prefer being real and not hiding my feeling.
but I do know many that are not able to do that yet.