thanks SD, after I sent my post I realized that I didn't say there are two kinds of transference
mine is all negative and carries its own kind of shame.

not shame of finding myself dependent on or caring a lot for someone I don't know, but who knows me too intimately,
but rather shame in the knowledge that I've blamed and raged at someone & then realizing that that person never did anything to harm me,; on the contrary desires my good and works hard to help me (including putting up with my ****).