{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
So much, so much my dear sweet friend. You have been through so much in such a short amount of time. It is perfectly understandable how you want to retreat, to not have to face the world right now. You are facing so much as it is without adding anymore too it.

They say it isn't a good idea to stop meds cold turkey but it is done. It is apparent that they were not the ones for you and nine meds seems a little outragious to me. I am assuming they were all psych meds since I don't think you would quit taking meds for a heart condition or diabetes or something. My psychiatrist wouldn't let me be on more then 3 meds. If we needed to switch to try something else he would wean me off one as he started me on another. Each med has it's side affect. To have to deal with the side affects of nine of them would be aweful. I can't blame you for quitting.

Then with your back sugery. Anytime one has major surgery there is the desire to retreat from the world because your body just went through a major trauma. It is normal to find a safe place and hide out there until you can protect yourself in the world. Is there a reason you are not taking your pain medications? Is suffering through the pain a different form of SI or are you dissociated from your body so much that you are not feeling any pain? I have a high pain tollerance so I don't take pain medcation because I don't feel the pain. I found out in the hospital when I got a c-section when my daughter was born that even though I don't feel the pain my body still reacts to it. I had high blood pressure and they were threatening keeping me another day if it didn't come down. I started taking my pain medication on a regular interval and my blood pressure went down and they released me. Perhaps lowering blood pressure was a side affect of the medication, I never asked but I know it had more affect then just making me more comfortable.

Please be easy on yourself. You should be sleeping a lot. Your body is healing and needs time to get better. Sleep is a normal part of that so don't worry as much about it as if you were sleeping tons when you aren't recovering from surgery. I know eccess sleep is a danger sign for us but right now it seems it would be a normal thing to do considering the amount of healing your body needs to be doing.
Take care dear one,
You are in my thoughts,
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft