I won't talk to school counselors about my problems. For many reasons. I had a bad experience with one in elementary school, plus I don't really like mine, and last time I talked to her in an academic meeting, I was talking about how fortunate I am in my life and how great my family is. I think I probably should have gotten help a long time ago, but I never really did, and now, looking to graduation and college, everything is going terribly because the worse I feel, the worse I do in school, and I have no explanation. So I don't always tell her the truth.

I had another therapist that I had to stop seeing for a while because of my parents. I actually felt like going to see her over the summer, but I don't know if I feel comfortable talking to her. I am very used to lying about how I feel when talking to someone face to face. I just act so differently with people than I do by myself or when I'm at home, and I'll have a really hard time with that. I think my parents are going to let me go back next month, as long as I finish the quarter well at school.

Does it make sense that I know I should probably get help, and that I sometimes want it, but I really just wish I could control everything by myself? I don't understand why I can't seem to feel any better just over time by myself. I shouldn't need to make my parents pay money for me to maybe feel better, or to just lie to my therapist.