I'm glad to see an update from you, and congratulations on your baby girl! I'm so happy that you are both OK. How is it going with her? Who is helping you?

For loving and hating someone at the same time, that actually happens often with people - it's even called having a love/hate relationship. For one thing, when someone gives you something you need so deeply, you feel love, comfort, promise fulfillment, hope, gratitude; and when they take it away after you believed in it, it hurts! You doubt him, life, and yourself when that happens. With him, it sounds like he is really jerking your feelings around by being so inconsistent and not giving you anything reliable to count on.

I know what it feels like not to want to let go of someone, for whatever reason, even though they are treating you badly. One thing I've done in the past is switch my focus to trying to get interested in other things, to make new contacts, work on projects. I agree that he is most likely not going to change - his issues run too deep, and he seems very self-involved, with little sensitivity to what you are going through. I have had a number of relationships where I thought I could love the other person into being well and happy, and I have to say they didn't go well. It's just not that simple.

I hope you will keep being strong and building your own life and other relationships, regardless of what he does. Thank you for posting; I've been wondering how you were doing.