Alright, to put it simply: I am just not in control of my emotions. At all. Ever. In the history of my life. Even right now, I'm swinging between various points of anger, an overwhelming sense of guilt, total frustration, horrendous depression, horrendous lust and jealousy, and this simple hatred for myself, the people in my life, and the world around me. I just want to feel things on a normal level and in normal variations, without destroying my life.

The biggest fixation in my life has been for a year and a half. I loved her, damn it. She cared about me, but not nearly as I cared for her. To put it gently, I tried to force her to love me, through manipulation, aggressiveness, and utter persistence. According to some, she was on a power trip with how I reacted to her - sadistic even and manipulative in turn. Our relationship was dysfunctional. We were not, technically, in a relationship, as I had to explain to everyone and their parents. Just two teenagers who spent every day together and were very physical. Because that makes sense. My bitterness, sense of betrayal, the fact that nothing was good enough for her, general obsession for her, and the simple fact I was being strong-armed by every impulse and feeling that crossed my heart destroyed our friendship, our relationship, and any prospect of us ever reconciling. We made up after all sorts of fights, but she won't speak to me anymore. Yeah, I was the one, in one of my few moments of relative clarity, who decided I'd hurt her enough. I'd hurt myself enough, too. As much as I regret it, I cut things off. Today, I'm angry, bitter, guilty, and generally still obsessed with memories that no longer mean anything. I haven't seen her since May and we haven't had a conversation since July, but I can't sleep at night because the guilt is driving me insane and I think about her a hundred times a day. This isn't healthy.

Said relationship, the intense emotions related to it, and the general loss of control in all aspects of my life, pretty much destroyed my entire existence. I've lost all but four or five friends - whom I only see once every three to five weeks; the rest feel, rightfully, betrayed or are just damned terrified of what happens when I cut loose and show how dangerous an emotionally dominated adolescent built like a grizzly bear can be. My nineteenth birthday is exactly one month and everything has fallen apart this year. Around March, my father decided that being negligent and horrifically incompetent was just a bit too much work and left me completely - alone in our trailer. I was balancing my last semester of high school, forty hours a week at work, and my rapidly failing health. The diagnosis is fibromyalgia, arthritis, a heart arrythmia, asthma, a degenerative bone disorder, a disconnective muscle tissue disorder, and the fact my ****ing teeth are falling out.

Just as I always do, I became absolutely furious with the state of my life and how overwhelmed I felt. Though I got leave on all but the single class I was required to finish for graduation and managed a C+ at the end of the semester, despite losing my mind, my health, and generally not giving a damn. According to my credits, I could have graduated the first semster of my Junior Year, had this awful county cared about my future and not just the federal bonus it gets for each enrolled student. I'm utterly insane, not stupid. In May, I ragequit, to put it simply. After telling my dear ol' Dad to kindly shove it where the sun refused to shine, I packed my things and left to the town I'd grown up in - where my mother lives. My health collapsed on me and I was stuck in bed for the entirety of the summer - eventually I ran out of money, because I couldn't walk, much less work. Towards the end of July, I tried to kill myself. Twice. Spending two weeks in a mental ward does a lot to guy. Like kill his emotions and leave him so dejected and embittered he shut down for months. When I was in the town I'd in from the ages of four to sixteen, I'd managed to realize I'd lost all the friends in my new home, my old home, and was pretty much alone. Now I live back in the same town where I was and hate, living with my grandparents. Which is a whole lot better than "crazy homeless guy", so I'm grateful to them. I was living with a friend in my old town, because my mother and her family consider me a pariah. Nice people. Flawless judgment, as always, led me to this position. Jobless, unenrolled in (denied from) college, physically ill and crippled, mentally ill and both cognitivly and emotionally compromised, ending in an ultimately unpleasent personality.

I know a lot of this is sarcastic, very angry and bitter, unneccisarily self-critical and pitying, but I'm tired. This is a place I think I should be able to trust you, people who suffer like I do, to understand me and not judge me. There's little illusion that I'm the person I once deluded myself into believing I was. I'm not a hero, not a martyr, not anything special - just a selfish monster, ruled by his feelings and too weak to do anything about it. I saw all of this as it happened, I was just unable to stop it. It's like I'm battling some animal inside of me that destroys any control I have over myself. The thing is, I don't want to be like this. I still want to be more - to be better. I hate myself... now I got lost venting and can't remember where I was going with this. I see doctors regularly, been trying to get my health under control - I've actually built up enough strength that my cane and vicodin addiction were put aside. So, no more House jokes. I miss Vicodin, though - the cane, not so much. Currently seeing a CBT / Psychotherapist and I just got the number for a Psychiatrist that accepts my Medicade and a DBT group in my town. Going to an Oral Surgeon next month to take care of my teeth, so at the very least, I'm making some progress - on a physical level, anyway. The outbursts have been more or less put under control. Ish. I still need to yell and break things when no one else is around. Me and anger have a long and complicated history.

What I want to ask of you all is kind of diffiult for me. Believe me when I say I want to be better than I am - what I have become. All I can control is my behavior for short periods of time, until something arouses real emotional responses from me and then everything just goes to Hell. Can anyone help to teach me to get my emotions under control? Whatever you, my brothers and sisters, have to offer, I'm willing to listen. On this, or anything. I only found out recently what it was that was wrong with me. Imagine my complete and utter dispassion at the diagnosis - yeah, not surprised at all. I'm Borderline. I accept that. It's part of who I am, just like my spectacles and my bottle of painkillers - something I just have to put up with. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't interfere in her life anymore - I love her - and I think I always will, but she deserves so much more than what I can give her. The general consensus - from myself, my closest friends, and even my therapist - is that I need to avoid serious and intimate relationships of any kind until I have myself under control. The irony is that the thing I want more than everything is to be loved and have someone to love. God works in mysterious and often vindictive ways, methinks. It's all for the best though. If I didn't learn these lessons now, the hard way, I'd have to learn them later - the harder way. A lot more people would get hurt, too. I'm sick and tired of hurting the people I care about. So, I'm humbling myself to you. I'll do my level best to help where I can, as well.

To be honest, I've had problems with websites like this in the past. Being told that my opinions, problems, and pain were idiotic and I had no right to them is something that sparks a special kind of anger in me. As I've mentioned, we have a sadomasochistic relationship, me and anger. I hope you all will be a bit more understanding.