I just feel really lonely right now.
Is there a nice way to say "I love you but you're really making my skin crawl"? I don't really think there is.
Just to top it off, I called my mother to wish her a happy birthday. During our conversation she let me know an old boyfriend of hers had died. She was really sad over not being able/willing/available to take care of him after he fell ill.
I'm over 30 years old and I still can't find a platform on which to stand and tell her, you know I would've liked to be there, to see the light go out in his eyes, to see the fear, to nod, to convey to him in some way just how richly he has deserved whatever suffering he has endured. It almost seems it doesn't matter. There's more sickness brought into the world everyday.
I guess I'm feeling jaded in addition to lonely tonight. The only people I really relate to are the ones at deaths door. I guess I read them as threat free.
Maybe this is just a rant. I guess I'll stick a trigger sticker on it.