For the last two weeks, I have felt like I have been rubbed raw. That anything said to me - with good intent or not - causes some visceral response to attach the speaker with a vengeance. The only people who seem to be immune to it are my kids, because I am not yet sick enough to attack my children. My grandma died last week, and it was partially because of her actions that I was violated so egregiously as a young child, which is what turned me into the complete whack job that I am today.

I feel so confused, because I resented the **** out of her for so long. Now I sort of feel bad for holding that against her for so long. I miss the good parts of her now - how good she was whenever I was sick. How I almost had to kick her out of my hospital room after my first child was born because she made me laugh so hard I thought my staples would pop. How she was the person I went to when I found out my Daddy was dead. How she immediately took my head into her lap and stroked my hair until I fell asleep.

I don't know. I feel very angry at every one around me, especially my family. The real tricky part is...I'm not sure if everything I'm going through right now is totally about her being dead...although that is probably part of it. I think that her being dead is making me relive my dad dying. And I hate it, because even though it has almost been ten years, I'm still completely pissed about my dad dying. I don't really understand what I'm going through or how to deal. Anyone have any suggestions?