I am in a really dark place tonight. I don't want to kill myself but I want to die. I constantly daydream about dying, how sweet it would be for a car to not see me crossing the road and hit me head on. Or for an atomic bomb to come and just wipe out everyone and everything around me, so I wouldn't be alone after I died.

I'm tired of living my life. I hate the way that I am, I hate that I can take the smallest thing and blow it so completely out of proportion that I just end up in another depressive episode where I sleep all day, every day, skip all my classes, dig myself into an even deeper hole that I can't crawl out of anymore. I hate the way I put on a mask for my family and boyfriend so they don't have to worry about my current emotional state because I know it stresses them out.

I desperately crave escape, any form of escape. Sleep is a big one. Cutting every once in a while. Smoking weed on occasion. Lately I have been thinking about the ultimate escape, which would be death. Like I said, I could not bring myself to kill myself. But a lot of the time, I yearn to be the victim of some freak accident just so I can finally be free of this world that has so much sadness and pain. My idea of heaven is so enticing, and I often find myself transitioning from a daydream about dying into a daydream about finally being in my heaven, free of doubt and failure and hopelessness.

I just want to be there now. It seems cruel that I'm being kept here.