Hi, shinkikker.
I just posted on your page.
It doesn't sound as if you're being treated at all for depression ...
--not seeing a counselor or psychologist?
--no group therapy?
--ever seen a psychiatrist? taken medication for depression?
--have you read up on depression and tried to use any traditional coping skills to work your way out of the depression?

Please understand, I'm not saying you should be fixing yourself ... You need real help in this! but you don't say anything about having ever had any help, so I'm asking & at the same time suggesting that these are things you might look for as ways of finding help.

It's so unfair that you're gone on this long thinking you have to feel as you do. You're body chemistry is a little out of balance, but that can be worked on. You can feel a lot better. No one can promise you everything will be perfect, but things can be better.

You might decide you'd like to try some of that life, but change some of the circumstances. Why not at least find out a little more what your real options are?

Roadie