Scorpio Eyes, You are not a monster, you are not any of those things you call yourself, you are someone who has BPD, and yes it stinks. I'm sorry for the pain you are going thru right now and I wish I could make it go away. What you have described is, unfortunately, what we have to deal with as someone with BPD. You will find caring people here that understand you because they are you in a sense. One common thing with people who suffer from BPD is that we are very, very hard on ourselves. We will treat ourselves in ways that we would never even think about treating a friend. I too have had a long term love affair with anger, as it was the only safe emotion for me, but with a lot of work have gotten better with it. I'm glad to hear you are getting into a DBT program, you should find it very beneficial to you. I don't know what else to say but if you need someone to talk to I'm here.