I think my shame comes from perceiving my neediness ( a result of transference ) as my being weak. I should just "suck it up" and get over it...that was then , this is now.... type stuff. I never had anyone to rely on as a child but me, hence I got jacked up... but as an adult to admit there is a longing for that and it is a true need that was neglected and is still being neglected... makes me feel like a giant baby.