I'm not quite sure where to put this, so please move if in the wrong spot.
A friend of mine called me earlier. (We met about a year ago at a psych hospital.) She told me she wasn't feeling good, that she was having problems with her family, especially her mom. Then she told me that she had just taken 8 (certain meds). When I asked her, she said she couldn't promise me that she wouldn't take more later on.
So I gave her two choices, either go to the ER or I'd call an ambulance for her. She lives alone and doesn't have a car, plus I wouldn't have let her drive anyway, and she didn't have anyone to take her, so I told her I would call her an ambulance. She kept saying she doesn't want to go to the hospital. And I kept telling her that that really doesn't matter at this point. She sounded so drowsy too.
So eventually I told her I was going to hang up and call 911. She grudgingly agreed. So I called (and nobody answered, at 911!!! They called back after I hung up), and they sent people to check on her.
My friend texted me later from the ER, she told me they were putting her on an M1, and that they were sending her to the one hospital here in town that we both hate. When I asked her she also said that she had taken more pills after I hung up with her earlier.
I apologized for sending her there, but also told her that I needed her to be safe.
Now I feel really bad. It's the one hospital that I absolutely refuse to go to. I feel so guilty. Plus, what I did to her was exactly what happened a few weeks ago with me and my old T. Which resulted in huge scars on my wrists and the loss of my T. I know exactly what it felt like when my T gave me those exact same two choices. How it made me panic. How I kept telling her I didn't want to go. She called 911 anyway, and that's what I did to my friend.
And on top of all that, I feel like such a hypocrite. I still get suicidal quite frequently myself. Making sure she's safe and kept alive goes against anything I'm feeling right now. How can I tell someone else they have to live, when I don't feel like it myself?
But rationally, I think I did the right thing. Didn't I?
__________________
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he'll find her
Taking her hand he softly says
For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side
No more tears to cry
|