Forgive me, if this turns out to be a long ramble

So I have posted previously, that I have been separated (divorcing in March) from my wife since March of this year. My life since then has been full of chaos and challenges, mostly financially. Recently things have picked up just a little with help from the people that are in the hotel where I live, but I know that this is not the end of my challenges. I am looking forward with a bit of hope now.

I'm posting under the subject of being alone, because as it relates to my Dx of BPD, I'm wondering some things. Since things have gotten slightly better, I've been able to see things a little differently. For awhile, being alone was a major nightmare for me and very difficult to accept. I'm beginning to come to terms with the idea now. Not that I want to be alone so much but that there's not a pressing need anymore to find someone so I don't feel so lonely. Granted, I still have some nights I wish I had someone to share it with but for the most part, I'm at the point where if I were to make a choice to be with someone, I'd rather it take a long tme and be the right person than jump into a relationship in a hurry and find out later I'm miserable again.

I've noticed something and it makes me wonder. I've never been alone for very long, always jumped into a new relationship as soon as the opportunity arose. What I am wondering is, since being alone for awhile, my BPD traits are minimal. Not that I think they are gone, but without a relationship, I'm finding that some traits that were so strong in the marriage have gone dormant for the most part. Of course, abandonment issues are the most noticeable ones that aren't nagging at me as much. Are relationship matters the most influential on the BPD person? At this point, I wonder how much of BPD is really simply brought on by relationships, love, and dependency themselves. I wonder sometimes, if only for a moment, if being alone, I might be happier. Of course, that is followed up with all the thoughts of the good things that come from being with someone, caring for them, and sharing in everyday life. So I know I'll probably never choose to be alone for good, but for now, I am just a little content.

I guess what it comes down to is, I'm sure I'll want to be in a relationship again, but I need to figure out waht kind of lady I would want to be with. One that understands my personality, my fears and insecurities and cares enough to accept them. They say one should never "walk on eggshells" for the BPD person, but on another hand I wonder, maybe it's not that they shouldn't do that so much as BPD people need to find partners that know of their issues and will be sensitive to those needs? I wonder if BPD isn't so much of a personality disorder as it is just simply a certain type of person with certain needs, just like any other person, who also has specific needs and wants. Am I really afflicted with a disorder or have I just picked the wrong people to be with?

Ok this is turning into a long ramble, and I thought it might but I had to get out some things that have been on my mind.