So i am always the happy one or whatever. But somethings set me off. Set me off bad. I have no idea how to stop it or prevent it in the first place. I am exhausted after nearly blowing up at work today among other things.
I didnt go to bed till nearly 12am and had to be ready to go at 0500 for some heavy work. I do my best at false motivation its better than none after all. After coming to the conclusion my mother hates my guts i had people talkiing to me all night who are my friends or my sister to make sure i was okay. I did my best this morning was laughing and not doing terrible. I screwed up on some stuff but it wasn't a big deal just misdirection by those incharge. Then i got asked to something i didnt know how to do and i had to be somewhere else for a different tasks. When i explain i didnt know how to do the task and waited my turn, my boss basically said in a negative tone of voice that i was "having an attitude" and if i continued to do so he would punish me. He had ridiculed me earlier because i was taking a break and apparenty he thought i wasnt working hard enough. Then out of nowhere like usual an overemotional wave of rage, anxiety, fear, frustration and upsetness surged up in me, like i can feel it, i get super warm and tense. Like I can barely control it, i start holding the tears back in my eyes and i get flustered. My eyes get bloodshot and i either want to get away or just start yelling at that person. It wears me out I get super emotional and hate myself with beliefs that they dont care about me and dont want me around so i should just leave, i now have a headache and am tired. Im still mad and want nothing to do with my boss. No one at work knows about my emotional/family problems they only know that i saw a consulor. I do a lot at work and on my own time and to me it came across as "You are stupid and Useless to me, you do nothing helpful".. Its not the first time this has happened. It has happened multiple times in different places and different people, sometimes i can control the tears sometimes not. Its so frustrating because later i feel like a idiot for "overreacting".... Something about that tone of voice sets me off. I dont know. Can anybody relate? like what should i work on to control this?