Well we had a "discussion" on monday and i basically told my mother how i really felt when after 19 years she decided to see a family therapist and when i had asked and asked and was denied. She said she would olnly be willing to do it if i admitted to my mistakes. And i pretty much asked her what kind of Effing Question was that and that my relationship with her was on thin ice. She hasn't talked to me since. I asked her if she had even set anything up and she said no. She doesnt understand me or listen, i've tried telling her how i feel. Even my consulor was like shes not going to get it. My dad is useless as well. The family drama is hard for me to explain and understand. Both my parents were abused as children. My dad has been living for 40+ years being a 5 yo kid and seeing his wife as his own mother. So i pretty much had no dad even though he was physically there, because i was the oldest i tried "taking" his spot because there was no parent there so psychologically my mind told me it was my job. I clung to my mother but she is also manipulative and it is always about her. Shes self proclaimed to have fixed all her "issues" and has the answers for everyone else. Very hypocritical. I wished they had divorced but they seem happy living in their condelueded mess. She claims that she would have divorced had my sister and i told her issues happening at home but doesnt "blame me". (Yeah my mind doesnt see it any difference). I cant trust eith er of them. My sister is still at home and i feel bad. They also have my dogs who i miss dearly.
When i get into rages usually its crying, and yelling whether its me talking to myself or at the other person. I try to hold it in when in public but its hard especially the crying. If i think i can win i usual start arguing but if not i just start crying and try to get away. I haven't gotten physical with anyone but i do like to throw and kick stuff when im in that mood. We do get a lot of down time but this week espescially today has been stressful and they pretty much up and decided i had to do stuff i wasnt planning on which usually im pretty flexible but i had no idea what i was doing and i hate that. Im semi new employee like 3 months in, and for the most part my boss doesnt bother me he is just super Type A. I talked to a consulor, and im going to try seeing her again next week. Its just so frustrating...