It wont stop occurring.and now I am starting to dread it..which only makes it worse..the more anxious I become the worse it gets..

Yesterday the Trauma Therapist I am working with spent alot of time observing them..and a new symptom appeared..a slight cough???..after he was able to calm me down with visualization techniques...we spent the rest of the session talking ...and not a thing..about every 15 min he reassured me..pointing out that everything was calming down..but I have something very intense surfacing..and I am fighting this so much..I do not want to loose control..I have been there years ago..it caused me great humilation and pain....I see my regular T tomorrow..and now I have this deep pit in my gut..what if it starts again..I know this is part of the processing..but I feel so out of control..and scared..

I am safe with my T..I know that..but I am almost in tears tonight with fear about being there..becuase I am loosing control of my body...

I keep getting images of being drugged and in restraints..and OMG I never ever ever want to go thru that again...the so called professionals left me abandoned and in a busy hospital lobby..I sat there for over 5 hrs, sitting in a waiting room chair drugged in restraints under a blanket because when I arrived the lobby was empty and they needed the gurney..but i sat watching other patients, families mostly, waiting for their outpatient Dr appts...then someone called my name over a loud speaker..to report to the admitting desk..they kept repeating it over, and over..I finally could not stand it..I thru off my blanket..and the kids which had been playing and watching TV..suddenly stopped..ran to their parents..the people.. everyone was staring at me..I was crying..as I hobbled thru the crowded lobby..my arms tethered to my sides, my feet tethered together, of course they sat me about as far away from the admitting desk one could get..but when the admit desk saw me comming they were horrified...someone immediatley got me a wheel chair..the psych techs came down from the ward..there had been a goof up..a shift change..by that time I was mute..they put me in a bed and a psychiatrist came in...he was sp apologetic..but by that time I was traumatized beyond comprehension..I did not want to look at anyone, talk to anyone..I just wanted everyone to leave me alone...I have never gotten over that..and it is the primary reason I would rather die that go into a psych hospital as an Inpatient..I was treated less than an animal..it hurt me allot..it hurts allot still..I never want to be out of control ever ever ever again...it hinders therapy because part of the processing is allowing yourself to feel and just feel free to express..and to me that is like one of the worst things to do..because I am afraid of breaking again..where I try and runaway from the flashbacks..and then they would try to admit me..NO!...my system can do whatever the H*ll it wants to..but I will not..ever go thru that humilation again!!!!!!!!!! I am not a monster..I am not a criminal...I am just hurt...no one should have to endure what I did..no one..not by people that are suppose to be there to help you during your most vulnerable time..I will never forget the looks of fear on those kids face as I lumbered by..ashamed..humilated..broken...