Quote:
Originally Posted by powertools321
Hi s4ndm4n2006, Like Mara I'm also currently married and surprised that she has put up with me thru all the crap I have put her thru. I remember when I was single that I didn't have all the issues either and I think it was because there wasn't anyone their to "let me down" on my expectations. I think I would always expect things "should" be this way, or they "should" know that without me telling them. Basically a whole lot of distortions kicking in because there was somebody else to interact with, and when they aren't there, there is no sense that you are not being validated. I think that even though your BPD symptoms are decreased it is still very worth while to work on the skills to help with them so if you get into another relationship you can help yourself and at the same time objectively help the other person understand what is going on. I know I have always wondered if a person with BPD was in a relationship with someone else who had BPD how it would work, I know my T say's to not go there.
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Well I look back on my marriage of 13 years and I do see how I contributed to the bad marriage but my situation is this, I was married to a woman who used me, controlled me and even if she didn't realize it, was the dominant partner in everything. She accused me of controlling her social life yet at the same time, what that social life clearly meant (toward the end it showed..) was that she wanted the attention of many men. This is probably my predicament, she has bipolar and is also dx'd with adhd. Every friend i know that is aware of my situation knows what I did for her for 13 years, going along with her, sacrificing my own needs for her to try and make her happy and all the while she had in her mind to go her own way eventually. I know I have issues, but I also know that it was not the real reason for the loss of my marriage. the fact that i was Dx'd with BPD just gave her an excuse to blame it all on me. Quite honestly, I'll take responsibility for my part but especially in marriage and divorce, it's never just one person and BPD people need to realize that even if our issues are severe, no single person can ruin a relationship, it always takes both. Never blame yourself for all of another's misery. I can't make you, her or anyone happy or unhappy. I can only care for and do the right thing when I know what that is. I don't always do so but I try.
Also the fact that she was threatening divorce from year one, kinda played into my worsening of abandonment issues.
I'm happy I'm getting a divorce, I have my boys with me because she lacks the skills or the motivation to get a job herself so she can see them take care of them or even be near them. I regret nothing about it.
And I repeat, I don't think any single BPD person is to blame for relationships failing. I just don't believe it.