Hang in there hun. Try to bring these thoughts up with your counselor.. I do hope you start feeling better soon. I know I fight the same viscous cycle, use a lot of same coping methods. Nothing seems to help. Idealize death often but I don't want to do it myself. I have often laid in bed and waited for death to come just in and out of consciousness. I've had thoughts of speeding my car up and ramming a tree or something. I have hoped for terminal illnesses to come take me out.

All I can say is your not alone, stay strong.