I just met a guy over the internet (on a dating website). I liked his add, it was very short suggesting he was looking (after all you have to pay to be on the website) but not desperately. He wrote he was on the website "just in case". In retrospect it doesn't sound like someone who is really ready but when love comes along you never are after all.
I corresponded and he sounded like a very sweet person. He was very interested in my life, but was claming up himself. I thought it was ok on the internet. He always wanted to know whith whom I was talking etc..., he sent me family pictures (himself as a child, with his sisters)...
He is a bit younger (8 years, Iam 35), but it didn't seem to bother him at all. We had a lot of common points.
Then he wanted to meet me. Why not ? We liked each other immediately. He actually stayed at my hotel for 2 nights. I thought waow! a bit fast! he seemed to really like me. Then he went a on a distance, which was a normal since everything went a bit fast. But then I started complaining because I saw no point in staying any longer in this city if I wasn't going to see him. Then he stayed over 2 more nights. He told me his father had died 8 years ago then his mum and sister had a cancer and that he had no real relationship since then. No wonder he clammed up. I decided to be patient but then he became distant again. I was surprised since the time we spent together was great. We are both very romantic. He said he wasn't sure about his feelings for me and that he had never loved anybody. I was devastated of course but what choice did I have ? But then he wanted to talk to me on the phone for hours and he said we had to meet again. I reluctantly agreed. He told me he was scared to suffer I told him that he couldn't live in a cage and tried to reassure him. It seemed to work and I thought it was OK. I went back home (he told me later he wanted to give it a try. But to see if he would love me ? or to see if the fear would go away, that I don't know)
He even decided to come to my region (250 miles away, I am planning to move soon). He wrote everyday saying how exited he was. His e-mails were so sweet, but of course I was still worried, expecting him to cancel everything, but he went to buy the tickets days in advance, all exited about it. He said that he had never been so close to anybody and that now he was coming out of his shell. I was still worried so I asked him for the first time if he loved me. He said yes, he did and tried to reassure me every day when we were talking over MSN, skype, the phone.
On his way to me, he sent me several sms saying he was getting closer. He seemed thrilled to see me but during those 4 days he spent at my appartment, I felt something was wrong. He was so sweet but he asked about what we were planning over the week-end like he was on a sight seeing trip. The first day he said he had to get an appartment very soon so I could stay with him anytime, but over the next days he didn't talk about when we were going to see each other again. Once he was back home the questions bagan again. He was confused, said he wasn't ready but at the same time he doesn't want to brake up. Every question I ask he answers "I don't know. I really don't know" and he seems very upset about it. Wht-y is he so upset. Now he says he doesn't know if he loves me/loves me enough. Then he says he loves me, then that he has feelings, then affection, then love again, then a different kind of love, then love again. He wants to talk to me, but then again not. At noon I get a very sweet e-mail, very affectionate, in the evening he is distant again. He who never talks about anything even with his best friend, talked to him about me. His friend was stunned! Yesterday he talked to him about me for the second time.
He told me "why do you both know what to do and I don't?", "why so many questions if I love you? but why am I so upset, doesn't it mean that I really care?"
He told me 2 days ago over the phone that he was scared to death, that he thought he couldn't give me a perfect relationship that woud never break. I told him that he wasn't Superman and that a relationship was a 2 people thing. But yesterday he just kept repeating "I am not ready and I don't want to hurt you. If we go on and I break up in 2 months you will suffer even more etc..." The reason seems to change with every phone call. I do believe he is scared to death to lose me like he lost his father but maybe at the same time he doesn"t love me enough. I am lost now too.
He left his DVD here, saying that I could give them to him later so he did have the intention to see me again.
I said I couldn't talk to him over the phone anymore since it didn't help. He reluctantly agreed. I offered to see him in person. He didn't want to first, saying he was afraid he would just tell me it wasn'tg possible between us and that he was scared of the answer but then he said he wanted an answer and that he wanted to see me and that we would talk all night if necessary (he works the next day) and that he wanted to find an appartment because it would be better. I said "Yea for your work, you're right", he answered "no not only for the work"(meaning for me to stay over since I don't have an appartment yet).
We won't communicate over the week-end. I think it is better, but I really don't know how to behave. Reassure him ? or scare him with the perspective of losing me ? I am afraid to find out that it is just about not wanting to be the bad guy and that he might want to give it a try to convince himself that he loves me. I really don't know anymore. He sounded so convinced when he said he loved me, but he really doesn't know anymore now. Has anybody a suggestion ? If there is a chance, I don't want to throw it away. This guy is awesome, so sweet, thoughtfull, sensitive, selfless (too selfless sometimes).