I just took the second of those 2 tablets that I had on hand. I hope this works out like it did Saturday night.

I still have that prescription and have not yet filled it. I was even in the store today where I get most of my meds. Part of my worry is that I might get addicted.

Hydrocodone doesn't just relieve physical pain for me. It also makes me feel much better mentally. I used to believe that only foolish people became addicted to prescription pain killers. A few years ago, I lost that attitude. I had lower back pain and took Vicodin for that briefly. Besides eliminating the pain, I felt so relieved of depression, as well. Now, I suddenly could totally understand how people get addicted. Now I say: "There, but for the Grace of God, go I." I figured out ways to avoid triggering back pain, and I stayed away from getting another prescription for a few years.

This neck problem is a whole other story. It is with me every single darn day. It is a feeling of - like - someone hung a huge heavy chain (like for pulling up a ship's anchor) around my neck . . . like my head is too heavy to carry . . . like someone has their hand on the back of my neck pressing down. During the summer, I would sometimes have a few good hours in the morning before it set in. Now I wake up with it. Most of all, it is extremely demoralizing. It's not going to go away, ever - unless I medicate it.

I think that because this neck thing crept up on me very gradually over many years, I learned to accept the discomfort as normal. Pretty soon, using Vicodin, I will be less and less willing to accept what I was accepting. That's how I can see myself becoming addicted. Add to that my serious problems with depression, and I can just see me falling head-over-heels in love with hydrocodone. So I am kind of afraid.

That Vicodin tablet I took a while ago, is kicking in. It is helping me to feel less demoralized. The soreness is improving, and the depression is lifting. I'm afraid that, in despair, I will just enjoy it, as all I have left to allow me to feel good. I'm afraid I will end up wanting nothing but to float on that opiate cloud.