I am sorry in advance if the post goes long;but I reaaly am seeking honest opinion which will help me see things clearly;

I am hear mainly because I suffer from the depression of currently getting divorced(multiple separations in between);and beyond that my abnormal tendency and guilt feeling.

In short:
Met my EX at the age of 18 in college.he proposed to marraige at 19.Left drinking for me ;Later aftre 6 months lied to for he was on drugs(cocaine) and drinks too;were doing very bad in college;
I started getting tensed;my mind then really did not know something called break-up(really thought the relation was till death ,however bad it was);he did not feel this way;molested me once that point of time,ignored me and stopped talking to me ;I could not tolerate all this and made the greatest mistake of my life,I asked him to marry me;he did (no family knew);we married at 21;college was about to finish;quarrels continued,reasons now being I found he was always interested in other females(not flirting but somehow felt he was not commited);he just wanted to be with his friends and all;I really felt he used me,had propsed me thinking I am just an goodlooking girl(perhaps to impress the other college mates);;;;;;;
on leaving college;family gets to know in another quarrel;my parents get us married socially,his family against it;he leaves me and his job and runs away to another place;comes back in a month ,his family too,stay for another 1 year and separtes in another drama;
his family insists for a divorce;i begged ,pleaded etc,did not get divorced but he did not ask for me in 4 years.I tried to call and speak to him;he paid no heed;
after 4 years ,i thought he wont come and asked for a legal separation; after one year of drama intead of divorcing,we got back again.Stayed for 2 and half years together;i got same issues(not able to trust for his lies,not sharing with me anything,and tendency to talk to other females did not ever let me feel good);So this time again in another quarrel,he was adamant for a divorce;and I finally agreed ;

I know most of you willsay,this is not love;why remain in this;he said this,so did his family;
I begged that I will work about my short tempered ness and trust issues,but he wwas not willing to listen;Finally I agreed ,was not able to take it any further,the begging and all;

Hence now I am 29 from 18 years of age.

Now,this is the thing that eats me always:

• I am short tempered,was not able to trust him and hence quarreled.But could this not have been worked out.Did he have to throw me like a dirty piece of waste cloth again;why did he reconcile after 4 years then.who gave him the right to give me a CHANce.
• Secondly he was also involved in the verbal and physical abuse;but instead of proper counselling why did he take the shortcut root of showing me the way;is this what relationships are;do we throw away our brother or sister or friend if they soem fault or help them heal;I feel so sick thinking when i cooked for him lovingly;if only i knew that I shall be agin here,i would have fed him poison (not serious);
• I feel very guilty at causeing him,his family,my family and myself all this pain;had i not asked him to marry me,had i separated 11 years back,had i known,then I wouldnot be suffering.
• I have now realized I have issue ,terribke one,in anger,I get violent and abusive,be it anybody even my mother;My parents do not hate me and have asked me to take medical help for this;I shout,I cry,I imagine killing my EX for having used me mentally physically emotionally and throwing me away;sometimes I ahte myself saying I am like this hence he couldnot stay with me;had I been good enough,he would not leave me;I hate myself for being violent and totally mad and abusive towards anybody in my family;I hate myself;and I feel I will never come out of this;
• Why did he not see that I am in pain and help me out;i was possessive about him but i cared for him;he and his family have made me feel like crap.he even said that I trapped him;which wife traps a husband;he has forgotten that 11 years back he proposed me for marraige without any job whatever (he was ust a so-caled-friend);and today after 11 years when I am fat and ill he says I sued him;what when he was on drugs ,I did not ate him;he always thought I was ther eason for all his failures and he is so good;kick that dirty human being.

I have much to write.May be in another post.Please help me with your sincere advice.I was again violent today and feel so low.

Also,forgot to metion my abnormal violent behaviour starts with me thinking I have been used or cheated or am being bullied;(and all this I faced with my ex0
Thanks,
Lukkhi.