I'm trying to figure out why it is so triggering to read and say "My T is a professional AND she cares about me." I can't accept the words "professional" and "cares" in the same sentence. I don't have negative experiences with other professionals. I think of other professionals in my life as neutral. So, to me a professional does not CARE about me personally. I can think of "teacher" or "therapist" as caring, but not "professional". The word makes me think of cold and UNcaring, and makes me sad.

I know my T really cares about me and wants what is best for me. She IS professional and caring. But I dislike that word. It makes me angry. Part is because I'm jealous. I don't consider myself a professional. I was always underpaid and never respected at the one job where I really WAS a professional but wasn't treated as such. I cared about my job very much.

I don't know. I'm processing everything and crying. I want to make it better between my T and me. I don't want her to say "maybe you shouldn't come if you feel so bad" again. But, if it's true that therapy makes me worse, she's right. I don't want her to be right. I want to work hard and get through this!