My Support Forums - View Single Post - What Helps When You Feel Yourself Slipping?

OptimisticAngel · Oct 19, 2012, 01:39 PM

I'd firstly just like to say to everyone that I am SO sorry that I haven't been around lately. I have had such a manic diary, that I've had hardly any time to even sleep, let alone get online and post. So I really am sorry.

Secondly, I'd just like to tell you all about something that happened a couple of days ago.

I was having a conversation with 2 very special people in my life, just 2 days ago. I expressed thoughts, feelings and opinions, and from one of them, R, got a very positive response. From the other, A, I got quite a negative response. I have always given as positive a response as possible to anything that A says, because I know that he worries about peoples' reactions, as do I. Yet every time I have expressed a feeling or want/need, he seems to give a negative reaction, despite me convincing myself that it's safe to talk to him about these things. I KNOW that he's safe to talk to, but his reactions just make it very difficult. Of course, I can't change the way that he feels about what I say/think/do/feel...

So, I went home that evening quite upset, after accepting what A had said, and being as understanding as I could about it. What we had talked about was something that I had in fact needed R to do for me, but because R wouldn't do it for A, because A wouldn't let him, A disagreed with R doing it for me, which seemed a bit like a dog in the manger situation. Do you agree?

I sent a text to D, who I live with, because I was desperate. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do or say, because all I could think about was cutting. It was the only thing that was on my mind. I was so distracted by it, that I missed my train and forgot a few things to take home with me. So, the text I sent to D was asking if I could talk to her when I got back. She replied yes of course I could, what was wrong? So I said that I was really desperate to talk to someone who understands what I'm thinking/feeling, and who can help me to muddle through it. She was more than happy to help.

Got home, sat down with a mug of hot coffee, tucked my legs underneath me and started talking about things. D sat and listened, giving snippets of her opinion and advice along the way. She agreed with how I felt and said that maybe A needs to be a bit more open to other peoples' opinions/thoughts/feelings, instead of seeming to think that he knows better all the time, because that just knocks people backwards and triggers them. I told D that I was so horribly, horribly triggered, and that I really didn't know if I would hold out, because all that I wanted to do at that moment was hurt myself in some way, and I knew that it wouldn't end nicely. D stayed with me, talking, until I was all talked out. I cooked dinner, had a glass of wine with her, watched a film and generally kept myself busy until I fell asleep at around 4am.

The next day, I woke up feeling better. But by the evening, I felt that awful urge to cut again, and I really needed someone to talk to, but D wasn't around. I really didn't know who I could turn to because I didn't think that any of my friends would be open minded enough to listen to what I said and to accept it, and give advice without judgement. I took the leap and posted on FaceBook, stating that I was in a situation that had got difficult and didn't know if anyone would be able to help without judgement. Two people, within 5 minutes, sent me a message saying they wouldn't judge no matter what it was, so I took the chance again, and spoke to them both about it.

They both agreed that A needs to open himself up more to others' thoughts/feelings/needs, and that maybe he thought that he was prepared to hear what I had to say, but actually wasn't prepared to hear anything, no matter how big or small. They also said that they don't necessarily understand my situation, but they understand my feelings and that they agree with, and accept where I'm coming from. They both gave advice that really helped, and they both helped me not to cut - again. So, for the second night in a row, I'd asked for help and got more help than I could have ever asked for. They've both checked up on me today to see how I am doing, and I am feeling much better, with the odd niggle of a need to cut.

The moral of that whole 'story' is, that even when you *think* that no-one will understand, or be open minded, or listen, or care, or want to know, or not think you're a freak; there is *always* at least one person who will stand above the crowd, and whilst they may not understand completely - if at all - they will try to understand even just a little, and offer you advice to the best of their knowledge.
It is always better to get an outside opinion, so that others can tell you if you're going wrong, from outside the box, but on the other hand, can tell you if they agree with your opinions on the matter.

I have had a positive experience this time, from reaching out when I needed it most. I don't often get that, but by asking if anyone would help, and trusting in those who I know have been there, or have some knowledge of it, I am safer than I was. I am no longer afraid that I will cut to the point of total destruction. I am no longer feeling *as* alone as I was, or that no-one will listen, or care, or want to know, or not be judgemental. I am no longer afraid that I don't have anyone to talk to.

So please. Please, please, please. Reach out to those around you, get a feel for their open mindedness, and trust in them when they say that they are open to anything that you have to say. Of course it will be hard, of course it will be embarrassing, but they will make it less so, trust me.

And another part of this is that one thing that helps me when I feel myself slipping, is to reach out to others. OK, I didn't do it when I *started* to feel myself slipping, but you know the reasons why. Now I have NO excuse not to

Lots of love and hugs everyone!