I feel poorly now and have felt poorly for many years. The last time I had any hope was in 2004. I have no idea why I'm still alive and wish I weren't. I've had a bit to deal with this year (getting laid off, getting a new job, doing poorly at the new job, severe illness and resulting death of father, quitting job before they fired me for poor work performance), but not as much as others here. I've been suicidally depressed since I was 12 and I'm 44 now. I've been in and out of therapy, on meds of all kinds, even been to the hospital a few times. I'm still such a failure at life. I'm angry about being so depressed and causing my depression with my negative thoughts. I can't do anything well. I can't seem to focus on the positive. I really have nothing to be so depressed about. My finances are good. I have my health though I'm in enough physical pain daily activities are painful. No exercise for me. I'm so jealous of my brother for having a good life. He's never been depressed. He's happily married with three kids, one of whom is currently attending an Ivy league school. He's never faced difficulty like I have. He has self-confidence and self-esteem. I have none, especially after my last job. I have never done so poorly in my life. When the going gets tough, I fall apart. I hate that.