Id love to be able to pack up my things and go off for the day in the sun, unfortunately, the weather here in the UK is rubbish, it has been absolutley throwing it down with rain for the last 24 hours. typical England ay?!

I dont like the rain, and the storms. it brings me down! i long for the sun. i feel so happy and upbeat in the sunshine....hence the reason why i want to move to Cyprus.

The only thing i can think of that could have triggered this bad spell in my dad is the fact our dog died a few weeks ago. it seems to have shattered him, which confuses me because he has had to deal with alot worse before now.

My day got worse today...i was at the local shopping centre and i bumped into an old friend, emily her name is. ive had alot of feelings for her int he past and she rejected me which hurt alot. well i saw her up the shops with her boyfriend, which i could deal with. what i couldnt deal with was the other people she was with. she was with a kid called Rob who is best mates with Luke, the guy who stole the love of my life away from me a few years back, Laura her name is. Rob was among the people who made my life a living hell back in school, and to know Emily is hanging out with him makes me angry. i never went to school with Emily, but now i fear she is on thier side, and doesnt like me anymore. we used to be friends until she met her latest boyfriend, and we have just drifted apart. She knew about Luke and Laura, i have told her so many stories about how they hurt me and how much i loathe Luke for what he did to me. but now she is friends with them i worry about what she has been told, i dont want them to turn her against me, and i know she would be the type too.

Everytime i think of, or see Laura i feel all gooey (best word to describe it!) inside, because i was in love with her. when i see laura i go shaky and sweaty and get a strange sensation in my stomach. i do still love her after 5 years of being seperated, and i know i always will.

I just need to move away from here, everywhere i go around here my past seems to be waiting for me, and i cant escape it. the trouble is, most of it is so negative that it makes me feel sick and upset. even more so lately because of everything. to say i feel trapped is an under-statement, i feel suffocated. and i feel myself being isolated from my true happiness and it scares me because i want to go back to who i was this time last year, i was so happy, but my depression has kicked in again and badly this time!! just when i thought id escaped it too!

Thought id come on here and vent these feelings, i cant be doing with keeping them in anymore. i want to drop this depression, so im going to fight the strongest battle i possibly can, just not now for some reason. i dont feel i have the strength, i feel weak! and with that comes all the self-distructive feelings which i fought so hard to get rid of a few years ago. where do i go, what do i do?!