Hello everyone, I'm new in this forum and try to find help and advice.

To explain roughly why I am here:
I have this problem of always being "the nice girl". No wrong words to anyone, no disappointments, no harsh words. I try to make everyone happy, and then I am happy. I cannot say why I am like this. I've got some assumptions, of course, concerning my past and childhood/ youth, but I should stick to the main topic here.

I've got a boyfriend for 3 months now, but we know each other for almost a year. I've never loved anyone the way I love him, and he means the world to me. I don't want to be with anyone else in this universe, and still I made huge mistakes. In the very beginning of our relationship I lied to him. I know he's a sensitive person and got cheated on three times in a row. He's got many scars on his body, scars of a sad past, memories of depression. Honesty is of the highest value for him and I've always claimed to be an honest person. I really thought I would be. But.. Well. He asked a question about how close me and my former "boyfriend" got (it truly was a short and meaningless story for me), and since I didn't want to hurt him by telling him the bitter truth, I lied. It was wrong, and when I did that I simply hoped he would never ever get back to that topic. But he did. And I kept on lying as I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth. After weeks and "pulling" the truth out of me, he finally found out. And he was so shocked about the fact that I lied to him for so long, that he took some pills and ended up in hospital. He seriously tried to kill himself. The weird thing about that is that I didn't even "realize" how much I was destroying him by my lies. I did not do that on purpose. It sounds ridiculous, but it's still the way it is. And it makes me see that it has always been like this in my life, me withholding truths to protect people, to keep up the illusion that everything is fine. But I've never done that with bad intentions.
Anyway, I lied to him. When he got out of hospital, he asked me to tell him everything I had lied about so far. And again, I was a coward. There was something more I was not honest with him, and it was about sexual details concerning my former relationships. Relationships that are simply nothing in comparison. I can neither compare the sexual act nor the feelings I had back then with what I have with my boyfriend now. But still he wanted to know things which I lied about then to make him feel better and take away his insecurity. And again, the same procedure. I lied and kept on doing that for weeks until the "big break down" when he found out after hours of pressurizing me. And he took a knife and cut his arm immediately, a huge deep wound that should have been seen by a doctor actually. And in that moment, we were only half way through. But this I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him that there is still something more I wasn't fully honest about. I was way too afraid he could hurt himself. The thing is that he doesn't hurt himself because of the truth, but about me lying to him for so long. If I had told him in the beginning, he would have been sad for some time and nothing more. Anyway, the last thing I had lied about came out a few days later when he took a knife and pressed it against his neck, threatening me to kill himself right in that moment if I didn't tell him. So I told him.
Why did I do all that? I don't exactly know. I should have known that it hurts him way more to get lied to instead of hearing a bad truth. But somehow I felt like being caught in a "circle" or in a spider web, and my fear and anxiety were immense.
Right now we're at that point that I am actually sure that there are no more things I lied about. I feel that everything was said, but of course he cannot believe me. It's not the first time that I say that I do no longer lie to him with the exception that it's really the truth now.
We love each other so much that we cannot just break up. I don't even want to think about spending my life without him. My lies poisened what we have, and what we have could have been perfect if there hadn't been my lies. I regret what I did, and if only I could turn back time..
I never lied to hurt him. And I kept on lying because I wanted to avoid that he cuts himself or does something even worse. I would never ever cheat on him. I've never done that in my entire life, and in general he's the one that I want to spend my life with. Despite my lies I'm 100% loyal to him and I would go through fire for him!
These weeks, it's like a real struggle. He's got very tough times to manage his daily life, and every few days he gets reminded of what I did and gets very depressed and distant and hateful for days.
And all these things prevent me from totally opening myself. I no longer dare to tell him what I am feeling because I think he wouldn't believe me anyway. After getting closer, I feel like saying that this has been heaven, but I know he would start comparing himself with my ex and again not believe me.
He said I am the worst thing that happened to him due to my unnecessary lies. And he also says that I am the worst liar he has ever known. He's got HUGE trust isues. Of course...
I've thought about leaving to make it easy for him. But he doesn't want me to leave and this he clearly said. I know how much he suffers, and so do I. I suggested to conduct a counselor, but he didn't like that idea at all since he went there years ago because of his depression back then and it didn't help him.
I feel like destroying him.
I want to be with him.
I am desperate.
I am afraid there is no "solution", but still I am telling you these things to talk about it at all. And I appreciate it a lot if you've read this so far and maybe even think about writing a few lines..
Thank you very much!