I have a long story to tell. About 8 years ago I was down and depressed. I don’t know when the depression started. I think it was in middle school. My family moved to a new town and I had to go to a new school. I started to become self conscious then and then socially anxious. I was mostly quiet throughout most of middle school and highschool. Being an outsider, just observing everyone. I was always down and my mind was always focused on the sad parts of life. In a way, I liked that. I found comfort in that. I listened to sad songs whenever I could, I cried inside when I could. Then a few years after I graduated highschool I went to see a therapist and she recommended I go on Antidepressents. I took paxil for about 3 years, then went on Zoloft for about 3 years. A few years ago I started on Clonazapam for anxiety as well. Even though I left college off for a while and just stayed home my life was doing great. I went back to college, and I’m almost finished with my degree. During this summer I experimented with some drugs mainly MDMA, to help me become more extrovated and more social. They helped me for a bit but mostly just made me depressed in the end, I got a panic attack from taking a little too much, I think I overdosed and was sent to the emergency room. This was when I just stopped taking medication all together. I felt like I let my family down and I let myself down. So I said I would just stop medication alltogether. I relied on medication for so much of my life, I wanted to stop relying on them. I stopped taking my medication around August. It is now October, I have been feeling some of the withdrawals and sometimes it does get bad but I try to fight through it.

Sometimes I just feel so depressed and I don’t know what to do. I want to be strong and fight through it. Maybe things will get better. I feel like my life is going back to that sad and sorrowful times before I took the medication. I’m not sure if it’s just in my head or if I really am regression back into depression. I think to myself that if I can just weather it through, maybe I will learn to see things in the positive light. I learned to be afraid of everything and people. Why can’t my mind learn to not be afraid? I don’t know, am I a coward for not wanting to go back on medication? I just wish I had answers. I am so lost right now. I really don’t want to go back on medication. I know I have lots of people that love and support me. I just don’t want to let them down. And I don’t want to let myself down. I thought I was strong. I thought I would be able to fight through this. Now I’m not so sure anymore.