Ohlostme, i cant believe how much that sounded like me when i was reading your post. i know exactly how you feel, and i think i know what needs to be done.

When we have a bad start to life, it damages our beliefs for the future. As children we cannot control how our lives pan out, we have to accept what happens and go with it, good or bad. we have to put or safety and trust in those around us, ie our parents, and when they hurt us it has a long lasting effect on us. we need to be able to find that source of trust again, that is within us, and use it wisely. there are people out there willing to be trusted and who wont let you down, its a good start to trust in us here at PC, we all care about you, more than you know. i know i do. When we are hurt by lovers who we want to just LOVE us, we are prone to be hurt alot, you can never force love. you can look for it yea, but dont force it. it will come naturally to you and your partner, and you will know when you have it too. hope for that if anything, because this is a truly immense feeling that warms the coldest corners of ou hearts. you have allt his to come, as i do.

I was bullied for most of life, even when i began my current job i was. when i left school i was an absloute state. i never left the house, cried ALL day, tried to commit suicide. wouldnt communicate with anyone i didnt have to. i was no one, and had no identity. i suppose i learnt to build it back up. i had a year out after leaving school before starting in my current job, and in that time i matured very quickly. and when i started my current job i was still scared of people, i felt very isolated, and i made myself an easy target to be picked on. but i suddenly realised that i dont need this, so i stood up, and rose taller than anyone around me. i put the bullies (or SOB's as you call them, i like that name for them hehe) into their rightful place. from then ive grown alot. i always stand up for myself, and i am a very caring person, and polite etc but if someone upsets me un-necessarily, they wont half know about it. so not many people do anymore.

i told you this because there is a good lesson in this, see, when i first started my job i felt like you do now, i had no trust, or faith that things will get better, had no proper sight of my future. but i went inside of myself and found the source for all of that and changed it. all of this lies within, and it is us, and us alone that has to change it.

i know you say you have worked so hard, and i know how frustrating it is to work so hard with no rewards. i think you should consider working on a different aspect of your life for the time being, put that hard work to a more productive means. You ask where you need to go to find hope, well dont look any further than your own self. it is within yourself, you just cant see it yet.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and it is yours to do with as you so wish. as an adult we can control our future. we cannot control nor change our past, as we were children then as i said. if you cant control your future, how can you expect anyone else to? do you see what i mean?

Ive seen some of your posts here at PC and personally i think you are doing great. the point of having such a painful past is to be able to turn it round and use it productivly, if it means helping ourselves grow on it, or using it to help others grow. Everything in life happens for a reason, fate i suppose you can call it. although we cannot control fate, we can decide to accept it and guide it down certain paths in our lives.

YOu need to look inside your self, and have a darn good look for that source i spoke of, it is there, trust me. When it feels life cannot get any worse, and there is no way out, this may be the time to look and see for yourself.

good luck ohlostme, and i hope you find what your looking for. and i want you to know im here for you, i will help you on your "quest" if you want me to be. just pm me anytime if you need me. you can trust me and others here at PC, as i wont let you down, neither will they

simon