(Set trigger icon just in case it brings back memories for anyone..Mentions child abuse/sexual abuse)

I don't really know where to go. For years I've pushed down the abuse I went through as a child and shut it away, pretending it never bothered me. I went through counseling for years but every counselor I saw I lied to, I said I never remembered anything. I couldn't trust and I wasn't ready to talk...From 4 years old up to 16 yrs old.

I have one vivid memory of going to some kind of church thing many years ago...A support group of some sort maybe. I really don't remember what it was. But we were encouraged to let loose our emotions and cry if we wanted to. I hadn't cried over the past abuse/what it did to me, in years. And I really remember it feeling like I could finally get 'over' it at the end. It felt good to finally let it out.

But I pushed it beneath me again, and now years later, I'm 21 and I'm faced with so many issues that I feel I could relate back to the abuse. I'm still terrified of men. I have attachment issues where I attach too easily to some people but not at all to others...And I'm afraid to have issues in my relationship because of it. I don't feel like I ever really "got over it", I never had the chance to really heal from it. He poured salt in the wound on my birthday years after it happened, by sending a nasty birthday card that basically belittled me and made it seem like my attempts at living life were less important than him. I lied to my mom and told her I didn't care but really, I was devastated.

But I do care and I'm not sure how much this could be playing into my social anxiety today. I don't necessarily fear people judging me, nor do I really fear a repeat of the abuse in some random person. But I'm afraid of people, it's confusing. I keep repressing the thoughts because I know they make me cry and I get upset, and no one wants to see me upset. Especially not my mom. She doesn't know how to comfort me. But I realized just a bit ago that I'm still holding it all inside...just buried deep beneath everything. I realized this as my mom was on the phone with his sister...And they asked if there'd be any chance of me wanting to see him again. To which of course my answer was heck no.. But I nearly broke down then and there at the simple mention of him.

I don't really know what to do with all this. I could mention it to my therapist, who only briefly knows that I went through childhood sexual abuse when I was 4. I don't remember if I told her that it was my own dad who did it to me. I remember telling her the truth, that I never got anywhere with all the counseling because I refused to open up. I joked about it y'know, but inside I think it's still something that needs to be "resolved". But what would resolution bring? What more can be done about something that happened so far in the past? (17 yrs ago).