When I discovered I was being forced to go to college at a "family" school that was out of state and definitely not my choice, shopping for clothes, shoes (with my family credit card) became of activity of choice. my mother put me on a plane (it felt like good riddence) and shopping became a problem for me. I felt abandoned emotionally so I replaced the empty feelings with "things". I honestly did not understand when my father was upset that I purchased a really cute pair of shoes ($400) from N without batting an eye....they were "cute". It was perfectly ok when I was home though and my parents gave me blank checks and credit cards to maintain a lfestyle. I didnt understand the sudden changes. With no explanation. I was just cut off.

Many years later, after living a certain lifestyle on par with the rest of the family and living the way I knew, I was suddenly totally cut off with no explanation. I didnt know the first thing about budgeting or how to spend money properly and to plan ahead. I continued with my "regular" lifestyle however with no backup or support.

Trouble x2.

I never was in a situation where I had to consider a mani/pedi vs the utility bill. Or an hour at the spa vs. Gas in the car. Or worst of all, taking my clothes to the drycleaner vs food in the pantry and nourishment. I was just living my life as I'd known it. VERY rude awakening. And when I asked my father for money for food and help he said no. Period. With no explanation. With no help, guidance or explanation I was totally lost.

I literally went almost a week with nothing to eat

i finally sucked up my pride and had to go for a neighbor for help. She was a total hoarder and was happy to share cans of veggies and boxes of foodstuff that she bought on sale and had extras of everything. Even papergoods. It was humiliating for me. I found out later that she grew up extremely poor so she saved tons and tons of things. To the point of clutter. I, on the other hand, do not "save" or "collect" at all.

Since my parents cruelty, clearly, what once were necessities for me became luxuries. Including food. I developed a problem as a result, as well, in that if I get low in food, I get scared. I panic actually. I am terrified of being hungry again.

I remember being hungry and scared very clearly. So now when I go to the market, if cereal or canned items are on sale (or whatever semi healthy item) I buy extra. I never want to be hungry or go through that again. It is hard though because I dont eat a lot and if i dont eat fresh items i time they spoil quickly. Ergo, wasting food and money. Which is not ok for me st all.

In addition, since being banished financially, I do my own mani/pedi, havent been to the spa in ages, go to a very inexpensive salon and purchase clothes at a discount retailer. I have no social life to speak of. I do not know how to cook in my kitchen and havent been out to eat at a good delicious restaurant with "real" food in eons.
U
These drastic changes have been devastating and affect my self esteem. It has been a miserable hell and it affects my sense of safety.
The biggest fear I have though is not having food again so the first thing I do when I get my paycheck is to go to the market.

My family is still living the same lifestyle, though. Including my sister and mother who do not work and never have to worry abouta thing.

It is so confusing. And miserable. The worst part is that my mother and sister are super competitive and so they enjoy seeing me struggling. Which makes things even worse.