Hi Rhapsody,
I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I have had issues with this on a few sides. I have times where I seem to be not allowed to eat food and times when food is eaten without me being aware. I also struggle with an eating disorder. For me, we have been realizing that I was starved as a child and also perhaps food was used for means other than nourishment. Plus there is the whole looking attractive and "like a woman" thing too. It sure gets complicated, doesn't it.

What I have found that sometimes works for me is to first off make sure I am not hungry. I eat something every 3 to 4 hours, just something small and healthy, but it seems to help some parts of my brain to realize that I am not being starved and so it helps cut down the times when I am eating unaware.

At the same time, the parts of my brain that want to stay unattractive seem not to get triggered all the time because there is food entering the body often. The parts of the brains that want to be starved do fight this at times but it does work better sometimes if I choose an apple instead of a muffin.

It's entirely too complicated and I don't always succeed in finding that balance. But, when I do, it seems to work a little better for all parts concerned about this aspect of life.

I also found if I gain muscle more than concentrating on losing weight, it does not feel attractive to this brain so much as it just feels stronger. Some parts of my brain are straight with that.

All that said, I struggle a lot with it too, but each time I find something that puts things going in a better direction, I try hard to use it.

It doesn't always work of course. And I still find evidence of food eating while I was gone, I find evidence of eating disordered behaviors done while I was unaware, but anything that will put it going in the right direction is good. Eventually we will get there I hope.

Well, this was a long post that didn't say a whole lot, but probably added a whole lot more confusion. Each of our brains are so different and what works for one may not work for another, but if you are able to take any part and use it, please do. And throw the rest away.

It's a struggle finding balance when there are so many parts that have differing ideas of what is needed. I wish you much luck as you strive to find your balance.