I'm an adult yet I feel like a little girl who got her hand caught in the cookie jar and is going to be spanked. Why? I have a dear friend who is male that I work with and he's taken on the role of little brother watching out for me and he's taken spanking me when I've done something wrong at work, its in fun no harm done yet I feel like a little girl. On my birthday I got spanked with a belt and that hurt but I said nothing cause I felt I deserved it for some reason. I think I'm losing my mind finally. All the years of abuse and now I'm allowing someone to hit me and its ok what the hell is wrong with me? I know I used to associate the hits with love and attention but I couldn't be doing that again could I? Oh god I'm losing my mind again. My husband doesn't touch me any more so I guess I'm going back to a time when hitting was used as a means of love and I'm starving for love and attention. We don't have sex haven't in 18yrs so it isn't sexual I just want someone to care about me and I've reverted back to a time in my life when I was told that hitting was done because they loved me and I was a child then so I've slipped backwards into a childlike stake just to be spanked by my friend so I'll feel loved by someone. I shouldn't be alive at this point yet I continue to live. What good am I to any one?

Lin-Lin