Sort of the "I know what I want to say, but don't know how to say it" feeling? It can be difficult if your problems haven't been properly discussed with others before or no one has tried to help you with them. You fail to recognize the source of the problem because you're just focusing on the head that is visible and you are trying to get everyone to see. It still happens with me with certain problems I have. Trying to talk about them, especially with a T, causes my throat to tighten up so painfully and I end up choking (not in the literal sense).

It seems to me you really just need something to vent too. Have you tried therapy before? It can be hard at first (as it was to me because of my inability to even begin speaking), but it feels real nice just to have someone sit there and listen all the way through before trying to help you (and knowing they will help you makes the experience better).

And maybe in your times of frustration that wants you to cause SH, you could use an outlet to curb the urges. Writing is nice, but instead of writing your feelings, you can use a character to do so. You can use the feelings for a situation involving that character or you could try to distract yourself from the feelings and think of a whole different situation for them. You could even surprise yourself with how creative you can be!

I understand you must feel lonely and angry where you are and it does suck that if you meet someone online that understands that they are so far away. But I guess it's better to have known them than not as at least you could vent instead of have it bottled all inside.