okay i'm sorry this isn't in a category but I have no idea where I'd categorize this if any sort of admin knows where this belongs sorry feel free to move it

i have no idea what to do things are spinning rapidly out of control i was very close to trying to kill myself last night but thankfully one of my friends knew what was going on and called me and kept me calm. i don't want to die. it's not me.

sorry if this story makes no sense at this point half the time it's me rationally talking half of the time it's the rules and then i think i made it all up so there might be multiple attitudes to the same events in here

when i was in third grade i was strange. i didn't get along or fit in with the other girls at my school so some of them created rules for me to follow to make me act normal like they did i wasn't allowed to interrupt them or talk about things i liked or touch them or get too close to them I had to stay a few feet away if I didn't they wouldn't interact with me if I followed the rules they'd talk to me otherwise i was totally systematically ignored this lasted from maybe age eight or nine to age eleven? the rules werent still being enforced by seventh grade but i still followed them. eighth and ninth grade i was at a different school in a different country i thought i made friends then at the end of ninth grade one of the girls declared out of the blue that she was lying

why am i doing this they didn't enforce the rules i asked them to i'm making this up for attention i should shut up
no i shouldn't my friends say i couldn't make all of this up

they were all lying they hated me they were just tolerating me and then after ninth grade i returned to my old school

every year since sixth grade i've had around one incedent a year where i panic over the rules and everything and i get sent to a school counselor or someone and then i sweep it back under the rug and keep functioning but this january i freaked out with a friend and she was really sweet and told me i could talk to her and the rules didn't exist and i mattered and then i freaked out again a few more times maybe once a month

then i went to camp with her and a few other friends and i had half a can of monster and got really exciteable like i was before the rules and then i started laughing and staring at the wall for an hour and then i panicked more than usual i was kind of incoherent and would hyperventilate if anyone touched me because it was agains the rules. don't worry after that i decided that was the first and last time i am ever having an energy drink so that's not happening again i'm not stupid that was really bad and not happening again

the three weeks I was there i panicked an average of once a week usually over the fact that the rules did/n't exist not including the first energy drink induced time

the next three weeks i was there with mostly different people at the same camp and i was panicking more and more often and then one day i couldn't deal with it anymore and started going all weird and i knew i was making it up

still am making it up making it up for attention

no how could i make this all up for attention?

don't know how to get good attention act annoying get bad attention that's what the rules are for they're good they're to make you act normal

things started going all weird and there were different things worrying me i was scared for my friends and the rules and other stuff and i numbered them there were seven things i could panic about but i didn't want to panic so i kept them under control i sat in my room at camp writing down one two three four five six seven over and over again and then one of the camp guidance counselor people was called in because i kept writing the numbers and wouldn't tell them what was going on and i was forced to stay overnight in the nurse's office they called my parents but my parents are apparently very oblivious they still now haven't noticed what's going on but anyways things have been getting worse

since school started two months ago I've been noting down which days the rules bother me, and which days they bother me to the degree that i panic and my friends have to call me to calm me down. There have been nine days they have to call me i'm totally incoherent and out of control twenty seven days that things are under control and ten days the rules seriously bother me but I don't end up incoherent.

i can manage it though the panic isn't really an issue. Recently though i've had instances where i want to kill myself. it's not that i feel unloved or sad or anything. it's when the rules take over I'm entirely convinced i'm inherently not a person

of course i'm not a person if i followed the rules it wouldn't be an issue

yes it would be an isssue no matter what i do i'm not a person

and i can't control it all i know in those moments is that I'm not allowed to talk to anyone not allowed to interact with anyone not allowed to initiate contact with anyone i'm not a person i'm inherently worthless and need to kill myself because no matter what happens i will never be a person

and then the next morning i'm entirely convinced i made it all up for attention so i don't deal with it

it's not me wanting to kill myself it's me not seeing any other choice the only thoughts running through my head are 'i need to kill myself i'm not a person' there's no real why going on which is an issue because i can't logic myself out of it then

that happened last night stronger than it has in basically ever and i'm terrified because i myself don't want to die i can't control myself when it happens and i don't have a specific plan but that's more because I refuse to let myself get a specific plan i know if i have even the inklings of a plan it'll be much more dangerous when it happens because when i want to kill myself i have no long term thoughts just 'need to die now' but i do have some ideas i know one of my friends tried to kill herself with an extension cord also i live in a big city on a busy street just walking into traffic at the wrong time or I'm by the water and **** at swimming i could jump into the river

those are all thoughts that go through my head when it happens and i'm not sure what to do anymore i know when i'm okay and the rules aren't an issue that this is really dangerous because i'm a danger to myself those nights but i don't know what to do i'm scared about what will happen when my parents find out i'm scared what's going to happen i wouldn't be surprised if i end up having to be admitted but that terrifies me i don't know what will happen some of my friends have been admitted but they don't talk about it it sounds like hell from the things they've said