Hello!

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and panic disorder four years ago, and I've been in therapy since then. The depression wasn't great but I could still function, and then I found Wellbutrin and it was pretty smooth sailing for a few years.

Everything went to hell in 2011 because of a friendship that I'd formed with an older person I admired. The relationship moved VERY fast (not sexually -- it has never been about sex, and he's married) and we saw a lot of each other. I started depending on him for all of my emotional support, and he was able to provide it. I knew intellectually that it was a bad idea because it would eventually come to an end, but it felt so good in the moment, I ignored it. I told myself it was okay because I was getting material things out of it, too -- my grades got better, I managed to do a lot of independent work that will look great on grad school apps, etc.

Then his wife got pregnant. I was one of the first people to know; he called me with the news. We chatted for a while about it and then hung up and I sobbed uncontrollably for twenty minutes straight. Over the next few days I fell into a depressive episode that I still haven't come out of. That was October '11.

We stayed as close as ever after that, but I knew what was coming, so I tried to prepare myself over the next 7.5 months for the arrival of the baby and the fact that he was going to have less time to spend with me. I did a bad job of it, but once the baby got here, I nosedived fast. We'd gone from spending several hours a day several days per week together and texting/emailing nightly to almost zero contact. I was hospitalized twice after half-hearted overdoses. The first time there was some mention of BPD, but no clear diagnosis. The second time, I got the diagnosis, but my therapists and subscribers have been very vague about it and only focus on my depression. I'm starting DBT in late November.

I know some of the basic traits of BPD, but nobody has ever truly talked to me about it. From what I can tell, the relationship I just described had a lot to do with BPD, but if that's the case, I'm terrified, because that whole situation was the most painful thing that's ever happened to me AND is still messing me up completely. Depression has always seemed like something manageable, and I know BPD can be managed too, but I'm worried that I'm not strong enough to handle both.

Because none of my doctors have told me anything about it, I looked for a forum online and ended up here. I'm hoping I can find support (and offer some in return!) but right now I barely even really know what BPD is.

Thanks very much if you've read this. Off to explore the boards.