A few weeks ago I got a call from my vet's office about an application I'd put in months ago (long story but an animal got put to sleep out of aggression and apparently they saw my sympathy as a good characteristic and asked if I'd like to fill one out).

At the time I don't think I'd even gotten started on my Sleep Apnea machine, etc., so I was really unstable emotionally. But I filled it out to be nice.

So they called me and said they had an opening for a full-time kennel job (closed on weekends), and to call back if I was interested, etc. I was out of town at the time of the call, and I wanted to talk to my T before even considering the job (there's no way at this time I could handle a fulltime job, but a few days sounded perfect to me). I didn't get to see my T for three weeks, until last Wed. I told her about it, and how, since I can't drive very far--and the vet's is about 15-20 min away--my only regular transportation is my bf's mom, and that is inconsistent, at best. We do have one or two cab companies around, but I don't know that I could have one pick me up on a regular basis each week, plus the idea of riding around with a stranger freaks me out some.

My therapist agreed the job was really ideal for me--don't deal with lots of ppl, only small dogs/cats to deal with, daily walks for them = daily walks for me, etc.---but that I would need a Plan A as well as a Plan B regarding transportation. Plan A would be bf's mom, but she's often unreliable. Plan B is a cab, if that's even an option (I don't see any around here, small town). But even if I had a consistent cab ride, and it didn't make me anxious, that's only one Plan. I'd still need a Plan B. And none of my family/friends live anywhere near here.

I want so bad to be able to drive several miles on two-lane roads (what a lot of it is out here) and not freak out when ppl pass me, swerve around, etc. I'm not there yet. And it pisses me off that my bf's mom agrees to take me to therapy, etc., knowing what time the appt is, then makes me 10 minutes late half the time.

I haven't called the vet's office yet; I've been sick, and just wanted to mull over it some. I'm going to tell them my car's dead--cause it is--and I wouldn't have regular transportation.

It's very upsetting to me to turn down this offer. It's so ideal for my current situation, it would get me moving and be active, and be around animals. Plus I've always loved wearing scrubs, when I had a hospital job. This would've gotten me out of the house, out of this pigsty I can't keep up with.

I just wanted to get that out. I don't know what kind of emotion to put on it. I guess defeated.