Wow, I'm speechless. I just logged in and read through all your replies. A HUGE THANK YOU to all of you! I am really moved how much you all care about me and try to help. And by reading what you're thinking I try to see things from a new and different perspective. Thank you! You know, talking about these things here means a lot to me since I cannot talk to anyone about these things. I simply don't know who I can really trust. By the way, sorry if my English is incorrect here and there. I'm not a native speaker, but chose this forum anyway because it seemed to meet my needs.
Anyway, dear Lee, I don't know details about the treatment he got in this past (as I hardly ask any "very personal" questions). But at least I know that he was in a psychiatry for quite a while, I guess even weeks, after he had tried to kill himself. I know that he is not afraid of pain. Even when he tried to kill himself years ago. He only survived for the reason that he woke up after hours of lying unconsciously, and then he decided to fight for his life and so he called the ambulance.
riotgrrrl, yes, I really felt pressured into a corner, so true. But still I have been asking myself whether I am really such a coward that I cannot just tell the truth then.. Yes, I've been shocked about his direct and personal questions, and by thinking about it I come to the conclusion that there has never been anyone asking such things after such a short time of being together. But still it was his right to ask and it would have been my right to say "I don't want to talk about it". But I chose the way of lying instead.. Damn.
"Your past was none of his business, you dont live there anymore." Yes Trippin, this is exactly what I am thinking. My past is my past, and I hate it to talk about previous relationships. If he didn't talk about it, I wouldn't think about my ex-boyfriends AT ALL, and I so don't want to compare. But he wanted me to do that, and that is why I lied again..
Dear sesame, he has not threatened to hurt me. It's even the opposite, he says he could never hurt me, but would hurt everyone who tried to hurt me. He actually knows a lot about fighting since he's done it for many years, as a hobby, a sport.
Still I have to admit that I am afraid of him. If he gets super angry in the middle of our "fight", he might throw empty bottles against the wall. And once he destroyed his acoustic guitar totally. He calls me bad names and he shouts at me, but I know that this is due to the anger rising inside of him. When I go upstairs to let him calm down, I hear him play songs about honesty and distrust and things like that. And then I feel like the most worthless person on this planet.
Dear tigerlily84, "how are you so sure that he wouldn't have reacted the same way if you had told him straight away?" That's a good question. And you know, I told you all about the big lie in the beginning about how close I got with some guy. And then I brought in my other lies about the sexual details. But the weird thing is that in the beginning we once chatted on the internet and he asked those details. And I seriously told him the truth. And then he got very silent and said "I'm not comfortable". And I was panicking since we'd been together for only a few days and I didn't know him like that. And then, in very intimate moments, I saw him thinking about the things I had told him. He got so frustrated, insecure and hateful towards himself, and then I started lying. I said that I had talked ******** and actually it hadn't been like that and NOW I remember correctly blablah.. I seriously wanted to pull him out of that dark hole, wanted him to be comfortable again and not think about ex-relationship-things that are not important to me.
Harley47, thank you for your advice. You know, he says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me. And the reason why I believe him is the fact that he is still with me, even though I hurt him so much. And I used the word "hateful" in my first post, and that is because he apparently HATES me in some moments. He can be the most loving man on earth, hugging me tightly, talking to me like writing a poem. There has never been anyone describing me the way he does it, and on the other side he is as well able to hate me more than anyone has ever done. But even when he is so angry and cutting himself and destroying bottles and stuff, he always gets to that point when he just cries full of despair. And after about 2 days (it always takes about that long) of ignoring me, not looking at me when I am around, he somehow "comes back" to me. It can happen through a gesture, for example he is cooking something and then saying "I cooked something, and it probably tastes like crap, but try it". And then we get "back to normal" again..