Thanks, Simon & Faith. I'm glad you're there for me.

Yes, I've looked inside myself, for years. I've read MOUNTAINS of self help books and been in and out of therapy. It's helped a little, I guess. But I feel like it's all caught up with me (the accumulation of abuse and failures in my lifetime - and the continuing bullying), and I just feel helpless to change anything and so weighed down by all of it, that I can't see daylight any more. As you say, Faith: "I was basically treading water because i never actully found any healing from the pain I had suffered." Me, too. I've tried everything, but I don't know how to heal when the abuse and failures won't stop. That's why I say I have no hope for the future. Because the nightmares aren't just in the past. They're current.