So, here I am. I am someone; I know I am a teenaged girl. I know I have lot of problems, and I know that I have been through a lot of *****. I know that I am really struggling to survive right now. But it's what I don't seem to know that bothers me. I know that, somewhere in my mind, I have stored the exact details and emotions of my life... but I don't know where to find them.

That wouldn't be an issue; I could just bottle them up and ignore them, like I have been conditioned to do. But little bits and pieces just keep leaking out of me
I don't intentionally try to hide or run from my past experiences.... but I still find myself avoiding them. I can tell myself all the time that "If I don't think about them, see them, hear about them, or talk about them, then I won't have to deal with them. Ignore them, for your own sake."
But that isn't working anymore (actually, I doubt it ever has; otherwise, I wouldn't have experienced the emotional turmoil and pain.)

I have lately been remembering things about my father. I have recalled the lay-out of his house, his pets, his wife, and even the decor of his home, But for the life of me, I can't recall his face. And this bothers me a lot, because I am also remembering some very specific memories; taking a bath, going to the bathroom, a few times where I was all alone with him..... all of these memories, they play like a tape. I watch a scene unfold in my head; I watch it play out, but when his "character" walks into the frame, someone pushes the stop button. I can feel that it's him in those scenes, but I can't see him. I don't know if that makes any sense...... but that is the only way I can describe it.
I don't quite comprehend why it bothers me so much to not remember him; you would think that it would be a comfort. But... well..... it's like this: I have always doubted myself, because whenever it gets to the "big scene", I can't remember what happens, or even what his face looks like. That pushes me over the edge. I always worry that I'm being crazy, or paranoid about this kind of thing; that, because my sister remembered the abuse first, I am just making this all up somewhere in my mind. And what if my sister was wrong? I don't think that she was lying (she wouldn't have maintained a lie for so long- it's going on nine years or so, and she usually tangles her self in her lies within a few days). But either way, I still worry that I'm a terrible person for remembering something that may not be true. Then my negative feelings may have no basis in reality. It scares me; I never talk about this, because what if I'm wrong? I don't want to go around spreading lies. But even that doesn't make sense to me; why would I have nightmares and partial flashbacks about something so horrible, if it never happened? I guess I'm lost; I don't think that I can trust myself anymore. I don't have any specific memories. If I just remembered something- ANYTHING, really- about my father, maybe I could know for sure. I can't bring myself to talk about it still, and I haven't seen him in over ten years. He left me a voice-mail on my 16th birthday, but I didn't call him back. I am so confused. How do I approach this??? Should I be telling my therapist if- though I am beginning to remember more- I still can't recall a lot of things??? How can I get over this sickening feeling in my stomach? How can I cure this pain that is ripping through me like knife; a pain that I don't know if I am deserving to feel...... how does one bring this up, when asked why I'm so depressed???

I know that this was quite a rant. In some places, it may have sounded a little dramatic or poetic (that was completely accidental, though). Any advice or responses to anything I have asked/said in this post would be helpful. Thanks for any support or help I get from you guys