You can't appreciate anything.

If people are smiling and happy, you don't feel their joy. Instead you notice what they have that you don't. It becomes real to you, as well. It is SUCH an in the present mentality. A girl and her beautiful daughter pass you. You instantly think "I will never have children."

You could eat an apple for breakfast or your favorite breakfast food, and it wouldn't matter because you cannot enjoy your favorite breakfast food. It feels like you are incapable of enjoying anything, and it feels very physically draining, burning, pain - to varying degrees.

You believe everything is going to have a negative outcome, you want to be alone because you are not able to laugh at anything, have nothing to talk about, and have nothing to contribute - apart from your physical presence.

Reality is replaced by the most irrational thoughts about the things or people you care the most about. "I am a horrible example for my nephew, therefore it would be best if I just disappeared." Additionally, you see how self-centered you have become in that where you used to be caring, compassionate, and driven to help others - you now can only sit and ponder why you feel so terrible.

When there is a "dip" down, it's like a physical sensation in that you feel like you are literally being pushed down. Therefore, you lay down. You feel the mental anguish and physical pain of just being told that the person you love the most in the entire world has died. It actually hurts. And it makes no sense, because nothing happened to warrant this bottomless pit of...nothing. Sometimes going to sleep relieves this, but typically you feel worse when you wake up. Sometimes forcing yourself to sit up, or get out of bed and walk around, you tell yourself "don't let this break you" - you can rise back up a bit and the pain eases with time.

empty. grey. hopelessness. anguish. nothingness. apathy. isolation.