"Emotionally volatile", that might be true. So far I've been thinking that this is due to my behavior, because of me lying to him. He used the term "reminder" a few times. So whenever his mood changed from happy to sad/angry, that happened somehow due to a "reminder" or - better to say - a situation that reminded him of what had happened/ of my lies.
The huge "break down" (when he pulled the truth out of me and then took the pills) happened after four weeks of being together and in those first four weeks we were happy. Still there were those situations of him being uncomfortable and occasionally distant because of the things I had told him about my ex-boyfriends concerning sexuality (the reason I consequently started lying to him).
And now? It's like a rollercoaster. Last night he hugged me in his sleep, murmuring "I love you so damn much". But I can never know for how long he is so loving. He can turn into someone really hateful. But even in those hateful hours/days he cannot be purely hateful. There are always moments of weakness, him saying "I cannot see you like this". Or when I am really afraid and storming upstairs, he's almost in tears, saying things like "OMG, I could never hurt you!!"
It's really like a rollercoaster.
Trippin, you suggest to run. But I love him, and I do want to make this work, you know.. And when I posted here for the first time, I was sure that I am "the problem". You make me think about things again, definitely, but still I do feel guilty.
In the very beginning I told him that I am such an honest person and I was really thinking I would be. But I lied to him immediately. How to measure my lie? Is it a lie many people would have told when they had got asked such a question? Or is it me being especially dishonest? I don't want to be a dishonest person. Isn't my boyfriend right by saying that I am a bad liar? Am I irresponsible since I knew how fragile he is, but still lied? I'm questioning myself a lot these days. I wish he could read my thoughts and see that I would never do any harm on purpose.
His trust issues surely result from his former experience with his ex-girlfriends, but I knew about his bad experience. And still.. And so a lie that maybe even seems to be "little" to most people can be totally destructive and catastrophic. But the main thing here is also that I kept on lying. I myself know that I was afraid of his reaction and thus didn't tell him the truth, but I looked him in the eye and LIED. I am sorry for writing all these things here, but I just try to get things straight. Am I not really cruel to lie to the person I claim to love so much?