After a day of mulling it all around in my head, I've been able to finally put to words what I'm feeling...It's so odd though. I'm emotionally upset by it, but physically I'm numb I guess. I'd rather be feeling it than be numb.

When I was in counseling as a child I remember shutting down whenever I was asked how I felt about the abuse, or about my dad being gone, etc. I ended up changing the subject and talking about whatever was easier- at the time that was playing with Uno cards or something else. I often avoided the topic because it was too hard to talk about, and I never felt I could trust any of my counselors. I lost track of how many counselors I had.

Fast forward to now, and I had almost convinced myself that I put it behind for good, that it didn't hurt anymore and I escaped unscathed. I thought I had won the inner battle, basically. But now that it feels like my friend betrayed my trust and abandoned me, it opened up the wounds again. I'm terrified of being abandoned by people, especially once I get to know them and love them. It brings me back to all the times I've been abandoned by people who I trusted...namely my dad who broke every bit of trust I ever had in him. (And then proceeded to figuratively rip my heart apart again when he sent me a birthday card on my 16th. It basically told me that writing him letters back was more important than me struggling to keep myself sane in school, on top of trying to learn how to make friends and keep my grades up. That's a whole other story..)

However, I'm nervous about bringing it up to my therapist. I don't want to break down in her room. I don't know what I "need" to be focusing on. I suppose working on one thing will eventually help the others too, but if I was referred for social anxiety then shouldn't i work on social anxiety and not this? Confused and I don't understand therapy still so it's tough on me.. ;-;