Afternoon.

It is still impossible for me to completely renounce the fantasy.

I am still working thru the degradation cycle. I am trying to do a healthier scenario, where our power is more equal.

Ani has been encouraging me to do some things I am afraid to "in front of Boukreev", like dancing. I still feel this feeling of "What does Boukreev think of my dancing?" and also fear of "Boukreev hurting me or grabbing me and pulling me off the dance floor for being a showing off w****."

I know that this is a fantasy.

I want him to watch me dance. But I am scared of feeling vulnerable, as if he can do something bad to me.

Maybe I am working thru the fear.

Maybe I am processing this approval-seeking thing.

I hope to reach a goal of "not giving a d what Boukreev thinks".

Maybe I am confronting my fear.

Ani and I agreed to "make Boukreev go away" (stop the fantasy) if it's too much.

Like telling the computer to "end program" or "freeze program" when it's too much. Like on Star Trek.

The dbt site talks about star trek stuff; imagination. Holodeck programs and scenarios.

thanks,

Carol