I have seen better days. I got to see my son yesterday for the first time in a month. It was awesome to see him, but I don't know how to act around him. I am afraid of doing something that will make him upset with me and want me to go away. So for the most part we just walked around the mall (soon to be ex, me and my son) and we just chatted. Ex filled me in on what has been going on in his world. And I filled him in on what has been going on in mine. Then B is getting fidgety and we are thinking it is time to go, and ex looks at me and says 'you know there is a build a bear here and this is your time with him' talk about a huge hint and guilt trip. So I took B to the build a bear workshop where he picked out a monkey and had it stuffed, bathed it, and named it 'monkey'. I mean ultimatley I am glad I did that because he loved the monkey and I got to spend some more time with him, but ex happened to slid in to the conversation 'you know you could call him more, make sure to let him know that you are thinking about him' as often as I do think about my son. So then I felt again like the worst mother ever, like I couldn't figure that out for myself, and I mean really what do you say to a three year old who only wants to talk on the phone for thirty seconds. I know this is information I should take lightly and with an open heart, but to me it was as if ex was digging in that knife alittle deeper and turning it more. It was as if he was telling me that I need to step up to the plate and be a better mother.
So the entire evening after that all I wanted to do is drink. And I am a recovering alcoholic to begin with and still very early in my sobriety. I prayed to god to just help me make it to the next meeting. That was all I could do to not walk into one of the many bars I passed on my way home from my AA meeting last night (Sunday). I am still feeling that way today, and my nerves are on highatice, which is alot of fun too. GRRRRRRR.....
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling jumpy and uneasy all the time. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin even though that is a feeling I should be used to by now since I haven't felt comfortable in my own skin in years.
A part of me feels like I keep getting hit by high winds (100mph) and I keep getting whipped around and I don't know which way is front and which is back or which way is up or down. I feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the world at the same time. I don't want anyone to know that I am struggling like this because then I am not as strong as I look. I can't let the ladies in the house know that I am feeling like this for the risk of getting kicked out, you know wanting to drink and all. We already had one girl get arrested this weekend while driving home cause she was found with drugs and paraphinalia in her car, so she probrably won't be back to the house. That just turned everything up side down, and turned my thinking into chaotic thinking. They say that you relapse in your head first before you pick up the bottle, and I am afraid that is what I have done. I found myself staring down bottles of wine at the grocery store, imagining what they would taste like and how far I could get without getting caught. This scares the **** out of me. I don't want to relapse, for one because I can't afford to get kicked out of this house, and two I don't want to go through the hassle of what that entails.
Sorry I just needed to vent for a minute------