i cant decide if im depressed or not. ive always been the 'glass-half-empty' kind of guy, but lately it seems like someone poked a hole in the bottom of my glass and slowly but surely the water is going to be completely gone. i live by the motto 'take it easy' because my family life has been less than ideal, and its the only way i can stay sane. its just too much stress otherwise. but i notice that many things take a hit, not always significant, but almost always noticeable, like schoolwork. i really have no drive or desire to excell. i do have an enjoyable time when i am out of my house and out with friends, but that only seems to fuel the fire because when i inevitably return home, i am left to reflect alone, whether it be in front of my computer or alone in my room, and the only thing that really keeps my mind off of my current plights is playing guitar. i do want to emphasize that this is not a suicidal post. i dont have any desire to die. im sure that will come on its own, i dont need to help it come any sooner, its just that i really have no overwhelming desire to "live". i just kind of exist. which is enough for me i guess, but its unsatisfying to say the least.

well, this is the first time ive really ever talked about this in any sort of detail, and i guess i answered my question. i just dont know what to do. i dont really want to talk to my parents, i feel like a constant disappointment. especially to my father. i know he loves me, and we have an awesome relationship, and he says hes not disappointed at all, but i certainly feel like one. my mother is here, but shes not at the same time. we dont get along at all, and not so long ago shes said "our relationship [is] over". i guess im just asking 'what do i do?'. i feel like a child in a strangers house who cant find the light switch. i apologize for the length, but i cant really vent to anyone.

One own the air, one pay to breathe.
- NOFX