Depressed again and getting lower minute by minute. I found out today that I need a hysterectomy (removal of uterus and cervix) due to several fibroids, one of which is as big as my uterus itself. I also have to do a test to see if the cells there are cancerous. If they are then I may need radiation and/or chemotherapy. I was already depressed and on disability while waiting to be able to look for work again. Now I can't even look for a job until all of this is done and over with. Plus I am dealing with the effects of CSA with my pdoc/T. I feel like my gynecological problems are because of my guilt in the CSA I endured, or because of how f'ed up I am now about sex in general. I feel like this has happened to me because I am such a bad person. my abuser said I was bad and that I would pay, that the abuse was my fault. That I was too pretty. I guess I am not too pretty now, am I?