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Originally Posted by ThousandMiles
Thank you Trippin, thank you riotgrrrl!
Puuh, at this point I feel totally numb and helpless. Your opinions sound logical and I seriously put trust in your words. Now I have to think about how to move on, what to do next..  1/And somehow I feel like retelling the whole story again because it's so unbelievable that you do not blame me.. I'm like "Did I make them understand correctly? Did they really get the whole thing?" Thank you so much for your support!
I know I love him, and I also know that love only cannot be enough to make things work. I want to be with him, and I don't want to give up on him.
Yesterday and today, everything between him and me went fine, even though I noticed those slight mood changes. He can be laughing and happy, making jokes and so on, then some minutes of silence follow, and eventually it can be that he's getting kind of distant/ reserved or even a bit rude (when giving answers). 2/ Then he somehow transforms into something like a "time bomb" - The moments I am so afraid of.
It happened a few times that he told me how much he loves me, holding me tightly and so on, and then he suddenly let go of me and got very frustrated and bad-tempered. 3/Once he justified that behaviour by referring to a "reminder" - so there was something popping up his head that reminded him of how bad I am/ of my lies. But it's so strange, and quite often I've got the feeling that he's got those two faces.
I remember once we had a party, about 10 friends were over, we were singing karaoke, and my boyfriend wrestled with a very good friend of his, just for fun, since he's kind of a professional in these fighting-things. And for some reason at some point his mood changed from "super happy" to "super angry". I think the actual reason was that his friend held him somehow incorrectly when wrestling, but that friend apologized maybe ten times as he hadn't done that on purpose. 4/That friend felt horribly bad and said "sorry" again and again, looking my boyfriend in the eye. But there was no chance to help the situation. My boyfriend threw everyone out of his apartment except me, listened to the music at high volume, threw a bottle against the wall, and after he had cut his arm he finally fell asleep downstairs on the sofa. The next morning I left when he was still asleep, and in the afternoon he sent a message like "I'm sorry, I had a crappy day at work plus too much alcohol". I think that was the only time he didn't blame me and my lies for his extreme behaviour.
5/Why is he like that? How can his mood change so drastically so that I even feel/think he's got two faces? I know he was depressed in his past, and started hurting himself in his late teenage-years. The last 3 years he didn't hurt himself at all, 6/but started doing it again because of me.. He says he's depressed because of me. But isn't this far beyond depression? |
Hiya
I'll try and go through your points, the best I can, hope ok.
1/Simply put, you're not to blame. Your boyfriend tells you you are, and you've now become to think that way. He has used your 'nice girl' nature and twisted it and made you believe you are to blame. Very wrong.
2/You may love him, but I dont think he understands love. I am not belittling what he says to you, but love is kindness, trust, understanding, being safe, and forgiveness. Love is feeling those things all of the time. Love isn't living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, not knowing what is around the corner, and in your own words 'those are the moments I am so afraid of'.
3/ I'll say it again. You told a white lie, to spare his feelings. A lie you only said because he forced you into by talking about past loves. This by its very nature is NO BIG THING. Please see the above post about love being about forgiveness. He should forgive you for your mistake and move on- not use it as an excuse to treat you bad. The man is manipulating you.
4/ So much in this. No forgiveness of his really good friend for an honest error, holding him wrong in a fight.. Childish tantrum by throwing everyone out. Control. Then later on not taking any responsibility for his anger, by blaming it on a bad day at work & drink.
Blamed everything but himself for his own actions. This is a huge sign that the man needs therapy and will never change until he takes some responsibility for his own ways. Everyone has a bad day at work from time to time, and they dont act this way. And anyone who behaves this way by drinking too much has a big problem with drink and should get help. Denial all the way.
5/ I have no idea why he is like that. He needs professional help to diagnose him. He could have a mental illness, it could be down to too much drink or he could just be a manipulator. I am not qualified, but I do recognise a bad situation when I see one.
6/He is depressed because of you? Then to make him better you should leave him. OK, being flippant to you now. But if you can not see how much of this is manipulating you, making you stay, making you feel guilty, making you think that if you changed your ways to do everything that HE wants, then you may actually help him then I dont know what else to say to you. He will use blame, fear, threats of self-harm to make you do what he wants you to do, until there is little of the old, kind and lovely you left. At best this man is mentally ill, at worse he is an abuser. Either way he will not be good for you in the long run, and you may actually end up being a victim.
I'll go now, but please, look after yourself. I agree with previous post, run away from this man until he at least agrees to get some help. If he loved you like he said he says, he would go and get some help to save your relationship instead of blaming all of his behaviour on you. Bottom line.
Take good care and I hope you see this man for what he is soon. You have told us about him and I think you already know. x