tokiwartooth, I'm sorry you have to endure so much pain. I have arthritis in my right foot. I minimize pain by minimizing walking. Around my apartment is okay. Things like squatting, which seems to be necessary to keep up with housework, are hard. But, other than go to the store for groceries, I just don't go for walks anymore. For me it's not as intense a pain as your's is. I avoid the pain by doing so much less. The sadness is from feeling hobbled from doing what used to be natural.

I'm glad you have a support network. I haven't put a lot of effort into getting that. I kind of don't know where to go. I'm introverted and I just don't make friends easily. It is painful to go to support meetings and feel like an outsider. I know people say, "Oh, everyone feels like that in the beginning." It just goes on and on for me, and I feel like a fool.

Still, you are doping with hard problems. I know what you mean about pain pills turning depression into euphoria. I've experienced that lift. It seemed great and helped me get more stuff done - like cleaning house and going through mail. That's why I don't take the vicodin very often. I'm afraid it will become a crutch. Then the doctors will cut me off and I'll be in worse shape.

I have a friend here with me since Monday afternoon. He's annoyed that I haven't been cooking that much. He's bored here and didn't like what I made for supper this eve. Tomorrow he will go home, and I will be glad. I'm heartbroken at how we've drifted apart, largely do to failing health on both our parts. I wish he could love me like he used to. Now, I think a lot of what used to seem like love was just him fulfilling his sex needs. He was always good-natured. I just think I overestimated what he really thought of me. That hurts a lot.

I hope you do get to an AA meeting soon that makes you feel like you have a place to be a part of a group that is caring.